I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
