we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
