I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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