I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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