So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
