Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
