pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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