but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
You have to summon your inner elephant
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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