I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
