My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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