Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Randomize
