Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
this hospital has no fireball
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
