True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
