It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
