"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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