why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
