When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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