Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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