Im at strip club and am horny
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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