Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
