ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Randomize
