Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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