you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
