Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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