I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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