Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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