Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
