good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
