Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
