drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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