so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
