I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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