i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize