if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
