She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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