he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
