i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I want a musical about memes.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
