Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
