I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
