I'm sorry my penis didn't work
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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