So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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