I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
