all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
