im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
