your parents love me but you hate me
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
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