My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
