drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
