ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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