I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
