I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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