Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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