Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
