Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
