'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
