mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
