I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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