Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
