god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize
